One too many

   Kristine was sitting at a computer in the control room trying to find Kathryn’s personnel file. “Try again Holly.” Said Kris as she closed down yet another file. “I can’t believe this is so difficult.” Sighed Kris as she rolled her eyes at Holly. “Hey, you try to rummage through millions of personnel files with an I.Q. of six thousand. It’s like trying to find a needle in a hay stack that’s been dumped into a field of hay.” Snipped Holly. “Well all that you’ve come up with is some documents that contain her name and that’s it. No scrap of information can be found of her.” Huffed Kris. “What you got against her?” asked Holly as he noticed there was more behind Kris’ intentions than a back ground check.
   “What? I’m just making sure, for the sake of the crew, that she’s who she says she is and not some derange convict.” Said Kris as she crossed her arms. “Yeah, and I bet it has nothing to do with Dave taking a liking to her.” Said Holly with a nod. He knew he had her pegged. “Just keep searching.” Snapped Kris and she spun the chair around. Holly was right. She was a bit jealous that Lister had been paying Kathryn more attention than her. She didn’t want to know about Kathryn she just wanted dirt on her.
    Some extremely juicy dirt that she could use against her. A smile cracked across her face and she nearly rubbed her hands together in a conniving way. “Look we are getting no where here.” Said Holly to the back of Kris’ chair. Kris spun around to face him. “But she is a high ranking officer. She may be located on the Captain’s computer.” Said Holly. “Well what are you waiting for let’s check it and see.” Said Kris as she rushed off to the Captain’s office. Kris was just too eager to drive a wedge between Dave and Kathryn before the chemistry between them becomes serious.

   Meanwhile at the Parrot Bar Kathryn and Lister was seated at the bar. Kathryn sat on a bar stool staring at several empty shot glasses in a slightly drunken haze. The Parrot Bar was the only place to go to have fun on Red Dwarf but that wasn’t the case any more with the whole crew of Red Dwarf wiped out and all. Lister downed another pint of beer and slammed his mug onto the bar when he was done. Kathryn looked slowly over at Lister and laughed as he nearly toppled off his bar stool. He smiled stupidly at her as he poured her a new shot of a different type of drink. Kathryn preferred liquor to get drunk as quick as possibly so she could forget everything for one blissful night.
   Lister clumsily slid the shot glass full of 100% proof of peppermint snops towards her with another shot full of chocolate syrup. She quickly downed both shots that became a liquored peppermint patty. Her smile only lasted for a second before she doubled over in agony. She could feel the liquor, as though it was eating away the lining of her throat, as it continued to burn down into her stomach. When the pain finally dulled she looked up at Lister. “‘Nuther one.” She demanded as she slid the two shot glasses back to him.
   Kathryn tried to remember when the last time she got drunk. It was after she graduated from college and recently signed up to join the Space Corps., which was several years ago. Well actually three million to be exact. Then the memories flooded back about her ship and crew, friends and family. She quickly reached for the large bottle of Goldslogger and took a long swig. The memories faded as her vision began to blur and the room to spin.
   Kathryn looked over at Lister and smiled. “I bet I coud stand on my ‘ead.” She slurred. Lister smiled back. “K lets see it.” Kathryn slid down to the floor and tried to stand on her head. But before she could get her legs in the air she toppled over and into a table and some chairs. She laughed as she staggered to her feet. Lister fell off his bar stool laughing. “I bet I coud juggle me gold fish.” Said Lister as he stumbled to his feet. “Yer on.” Said Kathryn and they swayed down the corridors to Lister’s room bumping into each other and giggling the whole way.

A close call of the worst kind

   Kathryn awoke with the world’s worst hangover and a horrible smell wafting under her nose. She opened her eyes slowly and looked at her surroundings. “Where the Hell am I?” she asked herself as she wrinkled up her nose in disgust. She looked down to see a horrible sock covered foot propped up on her chest and under her nose. A lump formed in her throat as the realization of where she was fully hit her. She was in Rimmer’s bunk with Lister.
   “Oh Smeg.” She groaned as she saw her clothes strewn across the floor and mingled with Lister’s. “Oh did I get drunk or did I get drunk.” Moaned Lister as he rubbed his forehead he was sprawled out at the foot end of the bunk. He then quickly spotted Kathryn at the head of the bunk. “Hi.” She said in a low voice. “Hi.” Replied Lister in surprise. He looked around the room.
   “So did we uh…?” asked Lister as he looked back at her. Kathryn pulled the sheet up to cover herself. At least her underwear was still on as she shifted her feet uncomfortably and found out that so was his. “I’m not sure. I remember you said you could juggle your gold fish.” She answered. “Oh, yeah.” He said as he nearly slapped himself. “Then I tried to climb the wall with my lips and then…” he trailed off in thought.
   “We didn’t.” he said finally. “We didn’t? Are you sure?” asked Kathryn as she tried to sit up and see Lister better. “No…I mean yes I’m sure.” He said a bit frustrated. Kathryn sighed in relief and Lister frowned at her. “What?” she asked a bit curious. “You really dodged a bullet there didn’t you? Not sleepin’ with me.” Huffed Lister.
   “Dave, I didn’t mean to come off like that.” Explained Kathryn. “No, I thought we were hitting it off great. I thought you were interested in me.” Started Lister. “Look you’re a great guy and all but you’re not my type.” Said Kathryn. “But you’re in bed with me.” Argued Lister. “I got drunk. Too drunk to realize what I was doing unfortunately. But at least it didn’t go as far as it could have.” Fussed Kathryn as she searched for her bra. “Oh am I that disgusting to you Miss ‘I’m better than you’.” Snapped Lister.
   “Listen to yourself. You’re acting like a child.” Said Kathryn as she threw he legs over the side of the bunk and picked up her bra. “No I’m not. You know you’re very picky for a woman who’s been frozen in a pod for three million years!” Yelled Lister. “I still have my standards like not sleeping with a guy like you!” Kathryn snapped back as she discreetly put on her bra. “Even if you were the last man alive!” she added. “News flash doll I am the last man alive!” yelled Lister. “Then I stand corrected.” Said Kathryn with a victory smile.
   At that moment Kris walks into the room. “Dave, I found out something extraordinary about Kathryn. Oh my god!” she yelled as she saw Kathryn and Lister in bed together. “You two are sick.” She said with a disgusting look on her face. “Look nothing happened okay.” Said Kathryn as she got to her feet. She was still clutching the sheet to her chest. “Is that true Dave?” asked Kris with a stern look on her face.
   “Yeah it’s true.” Said Lister with a sigh. “I wouldn’t be so disappointed Dave. You dodged a serious bullet there.” Said Kris as she motioned towards Kathryn. “Now what is that suppose to mean?” yelled Kathryn a bit offended as she snatched up her clothes off the floor. “I mean you two are brother and sister.” Answered Kris as she tried to stifle a smile. “What?!” yelled Kathryn and Lister at once. “Yeah, I found your blood types and had Holly locate your samples, that are kept in the ships lab, and run a test on them to make sure.” Answered Kris as she handed some papers to Lister.
   He sat up and snatched them from her. He read the papers three times just to be sure. “It’s true but I don’t see how.” Said Lister as he handed the papers to Kathryn to see. She tucked her clothes under her arm and began to read as Lister sat on the edge of the bunk rubbing his face. “Oh my…I have a brother.” Said Kathryn rather fondly and she looked up at Lister. “And I nearly slept with him.” She gagged and dropped the papers onto the coffee table.
   “Lister, I need to talk with you about…” started Rimmer as he entered the room and stopped. “What the smeg is going on?” he asked as he looked at Kris, a half naked Lister, and Kathryn in her knickers. “Are you having a threesome in my bunk?” asked Rimmer through gritted teeth. “Hell no.” said Kris a bit insulted. “Rimmer man it’s not what you think.” Said Lister. Rimmer gave them a severe look before turning to leave. “Rimmer wait.” Sighed Kathryn as Rimmer headed into the corridor. Kathryn ran after him.