A deal with a smeg head

“Rimmer please wait.” She called out but he kept walking. “Damn it Rimmer stop!” yelled Kathryn as she ran in front of him and blocked his path. Rimmer, not wanting interference with his light bee, reluctantly stopped. He scowled at her as she began to explain. “I don’t want to hear it.” He gripped. “Well you’re going to hear it if you like it or not.” She snapped. Rimmer stopped fidgeting impatiently and gave her his undivided attention. She explained the whole situation back in the sleeping quarters and what Kris had discovered. “So you’re brother and sister?” he asked. “Yes.” Said Kathryn. “And nothing happened?” he added. “Yes, nothing happened.” She answered. “Says the woman standing before me in nothing but her knickers.” Said Rimmer with a smile. Kathryn glanced down and saw that she had lost the sheet some ways back. Well at least she was partially dressed. She looked back up at his gloating face. “You’re complaining?” asked Kathryn as she put her hands on her hips. “No not at all.” Answered Rimmer as he clasped his hands in delight. Kathryn sighed she was past the point of being embarrassed. “Anyway there was something else I wanted to talk to you about.” Said Kathryn. “Yes I’m all ears.” He said with another smug smile. “No you’re not you’re all eyes. I’m up here Rimmer.” She snapped. Rimmer jerked his attention away from her voluptuous body and to her angered face. After Kathryn knew she had his full attention she began her apology. “Look Rimmer about yesterday. I’m sorry for the way I acted.” She said softly. Rimmer nodded but waited for more. “And for yelling at you.” She added. “ And. ” He pressed. “And for throwing a pillow at you.” She huffed. “ And. ” Said Rimmer, who was enjoying her predicament. “And…I promise I’ll make it up to you. There are you happy?” she added with a roll of her eyes. “Good enough. So here are my terms. You will treat me as Captain of this ship and obey my orders for a year.” He said with a smile. “No.” said Kathryn sternly. “But that’s what I want.” Whined Rimmer. “Fine but not for a year.” Sighed Kathryn. “Okay eight months.” Suggested Rimmer. “No.” said Kathryn with a shake of her head. “How about five months?” haggled Rimmer. “Nope.” Said Kathryn as she crossed her arms. “Three months?” asked Rimmer as he held up three fingers. “One.” Said Kathryn as she folded down two of his fingers. “That’s not fair. Make it two months and I won’t make you paint the outside of the ship.” Said Rimmer with a plea. Kathryn bit her lower lip. She knew she was making a bad decision. “Deal.” She sighed in defeat. But a promise is a promise.

Oh Captain, My Captain

The next day at the crack of dawn Kathryn was dressed in a cadet uniform and standing in the Captain’s office. Behind the desk and decked out to the gills was a very proud Rimmer. He, on the other hand, was dressed in his white formal uniform with service medals adorning the left side of his chest. After a few minutes of looking busy and shuffling through papers Rimmer looked up at Kathryn. “Right on time cadet. I like that in a woman.” Started Rimmer.
“Rimmer could we just…” said Kathryn but she was interrupted.
“What was our agreement?” he said as he waved a finger at her. She sighed as she clutched her fist. “Captain Rimmer Sir could we please just get on with your tasks.” “Certainly. I’m quite pleased you’re so eager to get to work.” Said Rimmer with a broad smile as he stood up and strode out of the Captain’s office. Kathryn rolled her eyes as she followed him out.
First they did an inventory check on the food stock that took three weeks. Next she categorized Rimmer’s shoe tree collection, reorganized his large collection of war books, swept up Lister’s entire toe nail clippings out from under Rimmer’s bunk and dumped them into Lister’s bunk. By the next month Kathryn figured that Rimmer was using her to do things that he would do if he was alive so she allowed the charade to continue thinking she was doing him some good. Rimmer had her hide the entire stock of cigarettes from Lister, completely disorganize Cat’s entire wardrobe, and ‘misplace’ Kryten’s cleaning materials. Rimmer was too afraid to do anything to Kris but that didn’t stop Kathryn.
Ever since that day in Lister’s room Kris has been a total pain in the arse. ‘Yes I’m grateful that she found out me and Dave were related but that gives her no right to be such a bitch.’ Thought Kathryn as she snuck into Kris’ living quarters. She opened her dresser and tied all her bras and thongs together in knots. She then left and chunked the tangled mess of lingerie down the garbage shoot. ‘But just because I’m Dave’s sister doesn’t mean I’m still not a threat.’ Thought Kathryn with a smile as she continued on with the rest of Rimmer’s mindless tasks.
After doing a few more small tasks Rimmer ordered that all one thousand skutters should be cleaned. Kathryn easily cleaned all the skutters except for three. The John Wayne fan skutters, Pinky and Percy, shot be bee guns at her and escaped. Now she was in hot pursuit of Bob. After chasing him for three hours Kathryn finally caught him. She tackled him and began to spray, clean, and wax.
Just as she was about to be finished polishing Bob’s head Pinky and Percy rolled around the corner and attacked her. Together they begun to pull at her uniform until Kathryn was forced to let Bob go to keep from being drugged down the corridor. Just then Lister rounded the corner and to Kathryn’s rescue. After scolding the skutters and sending them on their way did Lister turn and help Kathryn to her feet. She was covered in dirt, grease, and cleaning fluid. Her hair was tangled, sweaty, and clung to her face.
Her uniform was ripped in several places with a large hole over her left knee and she was missing her right sleeve. “You okay?” asked Lister after Kathryn assessed the damage. “Yes, I’m fine.” She said as she brushed her hair from her face. “They’re really not that bad. Yeah, Pinky and Percy just wanna play and Bob is a bit mischievous but they’re really good skutters. They didn’t mean any harm.” Explained Lister. “Yeah, I believe you.” Said Kathryn as she picked up her cleaning utensils.
“So how’s it goin’? Taking orders from Rimmer I mean.” Said Lister as he walked with her to the nearest cleaning closet. “Okay. It’s going okay.” Mumbled Kathryn as she entered the closet to put away her things. Lister followed her in. “Tell me the truth.” Said Lister as he crossed his arms. “The truth. You want the truth? I’ll tell you the smegging truth! It’s miserable!” yelled Kathryn.

Meanwhile Rimmer was striding proudly down the corridor with his chest puffed out and a jump in his step. He heard voices and took a sharp crisp turn in that direction. He could now hear Lister’s voice clearly coming from the storage closet. ‘Now what’s he doing in there?’ he thought but just before he could march his way in he heard Kathryn’s angered voice. “He’s a total and complete smeg head! I absolutely hate him! His arrogant demeanor, his snide ness, his self-center ness, and his flared nostrils! He drives me crazy! I rather have a psiren feed on my brain than spend another minute with him!” ranted Kathryn. “Wow, that’s brutal. I like it. Say some more.” Chuckled Lister.
“More? I’ll give you more!” yelled Kathryn. Rimmer stood staring at the storage door in total shock. It never bothered him so much when Lister or the Cat called him names and constantly cut him down to his face. But hearing it come from Kathryn was a whole new cup of tea. A cup of tea that’s hard to drink. Completely hurt, Rimmer took off his officer hat and shuffled sadly down the hall like a wounded dog.
“I despise everything he does! The useless tasks he has me do. I rather be blind, def, and dumb than be in the same room as that man!” yelled Kathryn a bit red in the face. Lister, quite satisfied, lights up a cigarette. “Feel better?” he asked as he puffed away. “As a matter of fact I do.” Said Kathryn and she took in a deep breath. “So how are you? You know about…us?” she asked a she snatched out stands of thread from her ripped uniform. “It’s a bit much. It always bothered me that I didn’t know my parents and now I have a sis.” He answered.
Kathryn nodded her head. “Did you know them?” he asked a bit hopeful. “No, I didn’t. I was abandoned and later found.” She answered with a sigh. “Me too. I was abandoned at a bar.” He said with a small smile. “Well, I have you beat. I was abandoned at a strip club.” Said Kathryn in a low voice. “No way! Really? You were lucky.” He joked.
Kathryn shoved him playfully. “So how did you wind up on this giant excuse of a tin can?” she asked. “Well, I had a problem with sticking to a career. I would normally work somewhere for a few weeks quite and go to another. But the last thing I can remember about how I got here is going on a monopoly board pub-crawl around London with some friends. We were celebrating my 25th birthday.  The next thing I knew I woke up on Mimas. I was broke and 793 million miles from home. So after stealing a hopper taxi and worked for a few weeks. But I got sick and tired of the people I taxied and decided that the space corps was probably my best bet. And so after being on Red Dwarf for a couple of months I break one of the rules and brought on board a cat. I was sent to stasis where I was kept until my sentence was up. But I was kept in stasis even longer after the radiation leak that wiped out the entire crew and well here I am.” Explained Lister. Kathryn gave him a stunned expression. “Well you sure have been around haven’t you?” She said and she smiled again. “What about you sis?” asked Lister as he played with the sibling title.
He felt strange calling her his sister but it was true no matter how odd it seemed. “Well I don’t have such a colorful background as you do.” She giggled. “I was adopted by the man who found me. His name was Marcus O’Rilley. You see he and his wife couldn’t have kids.” Started Kathryn. “I bet he had a time wriggling his way out of trouble with his wife about how he wound up with you.” Said Lister with a smile. Kathryn shot him a look but continued. “They were a wealthy couple. With Dad being a captain of his own ship. They put me in the best schools they could find and I grew up with my father’s hope that I would follow in his footsteps. And I did. I signed up right after finishing high school.” She finished.
“So how did you wind up in a stasis pod?” asked Lister a bit curious. Kathryn’s face quickly drained of color. “I rather not talk about it.” Answered Kathryn. "Oh, sorry. I didn’t know you were still…” started Lister. Kathryn’s watch beeped and interrupted the awkwardness that seemed to fill the small storage room. She looked down at her watch and groaned in displeasure.
“I have to go report to ‘Captain Rimmer’ now.” She said sarcastically. “Don’t forget to put some chap stick on your lips.” Said Lister with a smile. “What for?” asked Kathryn. “So your lips won’t get raw from kissin’ Rimmer’s arse.” Laughed Lister. Kathryn smiled then punched him in the shoulder. “You may be my older brother but I can still take you.” She said with a smile and left. Lister rubbed his shoulder and laughed. It was nice having a sister.